Some exposition— it’s 1:28 in the morning, I just had a nice, candid conversation with a friend, a playlist from dimmer days is playing. I’m supposed to get up in approximately five hours, but I’m too busy lamenting the fact I haven’t written anything in what feels like a lifetime. Something I’ve been struggling with lately is how words don’t come as easy as they used to. What I want to say, how I feel, it’s all in my head but whenever I try to put it to words, it’s muffled– like trying to speak while you’re under water. These days, I want so desperately to come up for air. I haven’t been very good with words lately, so I’m going to make a list, like I always do.
- Do you ever feel the need for quiet, but find yourself stuck because quiet makes you feel lonely?
- I’ve been surrounding myself with a lot of noise. One packed schedule after the other, people to see, things to do, places to be– the sense of urgency has been sustaining me but my bones are starting to feel the exhaustion.
- Something I fear regarding reacquainting myself with the quiet is how I could get too in my head. Often, I associate quiet with emptiness and stagnance– how silence doesn’t always need filling. Back in senior year, someone told me to that I can find a friend in the silence and I did. I think I owe silence a cup of coffee, it’s been awhile.
- Things are different. This is something I’ve been trying to come to terms with lately. A good chunk of this year was riddled with discomfort and heartache, a lot of which hasn’t left me, I think. Maybe the noise serves as a good distraction.
- Hesitating and second-guessing yourself all the time is tiring.
- Maybe I should stop being so afraid of everything just because I was scalded once. Maybe this entry shouldn’t be a list.
- I turn to lists because I’m bad at structure (and I run my mouth a lot). Maybe I feel inarticulate and dumb because I’m scared of structure– of introspection, of possibly overcomplicating things I feel because I turn them over in my head too much.
- I’m very grateful for all the people around me whose ever helped me feel, even the slightest bit, less alone.
- Working towards being more unabashed is easier said than done. Maybe this is a start.
- I say maybe too much.
- This is a start.
