so, this is goodbye. i’m a firm believer in the phrase that time is an abstract concept because, well, it is. but it’s so fascinating to see how a vast period of human experience can be confined in a number.
i’ve always had this notion that i should always seek self-discovery– my new years have always been filled with promises, most to myself. a promise to get to know myself more and grow. i always thought that growth feels like charging into a battle with all your fears, overcoming them all overnight. growth will feel like a eureka moment, like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm, the heavens saying “you survived and you have grown! you are now a better person!”
i discovered, though, that it doesn’t work like that exactly. growth is stepping back, allowing life to knock you down a peg. it’s admitting, amidst one too many coffee-stained mugs and staple wire refills, that some bad habits are hard to break and that’s okay, as long as you know you’re trying. growth is being at rock bottom, then committing how it feels to memory– so that in your best moments, you can look at how far you’ve come and you can be proud of yourself. growth is allowing yourself to end up again and again in rock bottom, then swearing that you aren’t staying there.
like the leonard cohen quote goes, there is a crack in everything and that’s how the light gets in. 2017 came with the acceptance that growth is a package, with which comes triumph and defeat.
2017.
you were crazy. you were simultaneously the best and worst, littered either with days where my heart felt most full or most empty– no in between. but i guess that’s the point.
so, thanks, i guess. you were crazy, but you were magic. you were full of
endings and beginnings
and new places
and good people
and laughs and
love.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
